One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

As our children with disabilities get older, so do the problems.  Lately I have been wondering to myself, when do these issues stop, do they ever stop?  I don't think there is a therapist or psychiatrist that can answer this question.  When we work through one area of problems. we take a deep breath and give that sigh of relief.  But is it really over????

As many of you know my daughter will officially start her first year of college this Fall.  She is going to a college that deals with her disability, it's small and everyone knows each other.  As she was home this summer we enlisted the Bureau of Rehabilitative Services to help her find a job that fit her disability.  This was good, they found her a retail job for 50 hours to see how she would do.  This is not what I would have picked but this is their job.  She started the job was there every day on time and left on time.  We were so proud of her.  She did tell us it was not her favorite job but it was a job.  On the second to last day of her job, she called me early.  I thought this was odd, so I called.  I asked her what she was doing home, her reply to me was " I screwed up Mom!".  She was in tears, crying on the phone.  "What did you do?"  Her reply to me was "I stole something and they caught me".  Okay so this is a parents WORST nightmare.  Okay what happened.  Luckily because she was in a disability program, they were not prosecuting, the manager who was working with her and the theft dept took her in a room made her acknowledge what she had taken, and let her go home.  Of course my husband and I have to go to BRS for a meeting with her.  She did not get paid and we sat her down to explain that she was very lucky because the police could have been called in and she could have been arrested.  Okay, so when does it end!!!!  As a parent of a disabled child, we first called her therapist and got a family appointment, then the psychiatrist and got his appointment.  Okay she made a mistake, hundreds of kids do it, but with my daughter she doesn't know why or she just doesn't want to tell us.   We tried to tell her that we are concerned with sending her to college because her decision making is concerning.  She ranted and ranted about how she was sorry and needed school.  We put this on the back burner until we went to the therapist.  

Going to the therapist was a good outlet for my husband and I, for my daughter it was another story.  She got very defensive and would not talk positively.  The therapist realized there was an issue and we devised a plan.  She would go to her twice a week to widdle out how she felt and why she did it, of course she could not talk in front on my husband and I, then we would have her tested to see if there was some underlying issues.  Once we did this then we would discuss college, I can still cancel.

The psychiatrist was the difficult part, he talked to my daughter alone, and then with my husband.  He thought that testing would not show anything but that she needed a specialist and we would have to come back the next week so he could contact a few people.  Okay no resolution, not my favorite way to end things.  So my husband, daughter and I had a conversation, she feels the psychiatrist isn't doing anything.  Really, this is about you, (my daughter) you have to figure out what's going on in your mind.  I told her let's clean the slate, let's start by making new rules, cleaning up her appearance, clearing and cleaning her room, getting rid of the old and starting fresh and then it will lead to where she wants to go.  Boy did this hit a nerve!!!! You would think I was the Grinch who stole Christmas.  Needless to say this is where we ended.  

Now, I know that many of you, parents, are saying I have done so much to help, where do I go, what do I do?  Hmmm, my daughter is 18 years old.  There isn't very much I can do without her authorization.   I have advocated for my children their entire lives and now do I give up.  I sit and think that I'm beaten down, tried and am banging my head against a brick wall.  Where do I go what do I do?  I pray that God will give me a direction, because evidently this direction has not been correct.  Parts of me want to run away, hide and forget.  Parts of me say let her go, let her figure it out, but is that real, can she even function without us.  

So as I sit writing this blog, I'm still puzzled in what to do. Do I risk loosing my daughter, have I lost my daughter, does she look at me as the villan taking everything away from her. I honestly don't know the answer, maybe "by the grace of God", I'll have the answer the next time I blog.  I really don't know.  But I do know that being a parent is very difficult, it's something we all dream about our entire lives, well, at least I did, I know it's difficult, but I never thought that I would be embroiled in such difficult decisions, the chance of losing a child's relationship, and hopefully not losing her love.  I hope I can find an answer.

Still Learning to let go ..

If you are reading my blog you are either a parent of a child with a learning disability or working with children in this area.  In this case you will understand why I am writing about learning to let go.  For all the years we have been protecting, advocating and trying to find a way to make innovative roads to help our children, there comes the time to let go.  Actually I want to correct myself, this is learning how to educate everyone else on the information you have discovered and need to tell people, so they can treat your child correctly.  When I write those words it brings tears to my eyes.  As parents we love our children so much that we will do anything to help correct what our children were born with, it's our love driven goal.  No one can understand this but a parent who deals with this on a day to day basis.  This gets so ingrained in our nature, that when it comes time to let go, we are afraid.  Yes, AFRAID.  I finally said it, I'm afraid to let go for fear the world will crush my child.  As you all know I am a parent of an 18 year old daughter that will be leaving for college.  Although she left last year for her 5th year of high school ( a great school Thames Academy connected to Mitchell College), she had supervision.  She graduated and now will be solo in her first year.  The apprehension and fear is starting to get into my body.  Alone, with one roommate, will she go to class, who will tell her she has to get up, will someone be after her for her homework.  All the questions go through my head, and my soul.  My head tells me, you have given her all the tools for success, you have guided her down this path so she can succeed.  My heart is a whole other story, will someone take advantage of her, will she breakdown, will she be afraid, I'm not there what do I do?
On a whim the other day I saw a friend on facebook, she was friends with a woman who read tarot cards.  Now I was curious, just to be curious.  Sometimes I have all this apprehension on what people read, but I saw that she was a good friend of a friend, so I made an appointment.  I went into this lovely office, pleasant, serene, and waited.  Okay I prepared myself for a very general reading, I was very skeptical.  It was my time, a very nice lady accompanied me into a serene room, quiet, peaceful, and I did my shuffling and cutting of the deck.  She started to read to me about myself, okay she was on target, giving me information and even confirming issues, really nothing about my children.  At the end she asked if I had questions, I said, "you never mentioned my children?".  She explained that if the children are adults they don't show up as much, but younger children do, so I shuffled again,  She looked at the cards and looked at me.."It's time to let go, the cards want you to know this message, you have done such a good job on your children that it's time to let your daughter go and do what she is meant to do." " Your son will blossom and really come into his own, let him do this".  I just looked at her and said "They both have learning disabilities, I have to see this through".  She looked at me with this pleasant smile and said " the universe acknowledges that you have done a good job, now it's time for you".  Wow, I had tears in my eyes and thought, it's time I let my daughter go.  She was right, it's her time, she has to use all the tools I gave her, I'll always be here for her to call and ask questions to but it's her journey.  For my son, well she was right, he has become quite a character, tall, skinny, big head of hair and a hat he never takes off.  He has a ways to go but truly he is having fun.
So I'm still learning to let go, maybe this was the universe trying to tell me IT'S TIME!

When to believe and when to really question.  I think we all, as parents, want to initially believe our children when they tell us something.  We instinctively believe they are being honest and wouldn't consider not telling us the truth.  I remember the first time I viewed the television reality show " Christley Knows Best" and all that he kept saying was "Kids they always lie, never tell the truth and you can never believe them".  I think children go through an age where they truly test parents to see how much they can get away with.  When my daughter was little she would tell me something, okay, I believed her, but then I found out the truth.  She wouldn't know that I found out and I'd ask her again, "Are you sure you did this?"  She always would give me that look like "does she really know?" and I would tell her "I always find out, God meant me to find out everything, so if you think you got away with it, think again!".  My daughter is the one who looks danger in the eye and says I can defy you, and always takes the risk.  Need I tell you I ALWAYS FIND OUT!.   I mean really, I find out.  I don't know how it happens.  She got into a car accident, and tried to talk her way out of it, I just happened to be driving by the area and saw her car.  Immediately I drove in and she stood there with this dead look on her face when she saw me.  "What are you doing here?"  Did  I not tell you I always find out.  So as the time goes by, my son thinks he can play her games with me.  "Did you brush your teeth?"  He replies, "Yes I did", "Really, let me see?" Immediately I get the death look, " Did I not tell you I always find out?"  And from the next room you hear "Listen to her she's right, she always finds out".  I think God made us psychic like that, it's not that you don't want to trust them it's just that you know better.
So with two children with disabilities, they are trailing each other.  My daughter, now 18 and feels that this age makes her much different from us all.  I laugh, really what does 18 really get you?  Your not legal to drink, you can get a job, but she doesn't, she doesn't own a home or rent, she doesn't own a car, so what does 18 years old really mean????  Nothing!  But it does mean, in order for me to talk to her doctors, she has to sign a waiver, that she gets all her grades from college and not me even though I pay all the school bills!   With her ADD, she emotionally is thinking like a 16 year old in a 18 year old body.  In college this is a potential issue because common sense has not set in, really I think common sense happens as the children mature but in these children it takes more time.  She's rebelling against her drugs, this happens.  I try to tell her that in the long run these help her calm down and really focus, but it's that 18 year old kid with a 16 year old mind.  So when do you believe, well now, with two the same way, I listen, think about what they have told me and question every move.  My daughter calls this over protective, I call it Mom's instincts.  Do they still try to pull the wool over my eyes?  You bettcha!  That's why I question everything, check up on everything, have cameras in my house (don't forget the boys!!) and first give them the benefit of the doubt, until it doesn't feel right, then investigate!
Good Luck!