Innocence in Transition

As I have written these blogs I wanted to give back to people who have the same situations as myself. It's not that there aren't any really qualified people out there that can help you, but it seems that when I needed some type of information that was over the top or not the norm, I had to find it. I'm certainly not complaining, God gave me this task because I could handle it and that's what I will do for my children. If you have read my blogs I don't just have one child with a learning disability, I have two. I've only written about my first, but soon it will be the second's time. His disabilities are totally different from my daughter's. As you know I've gotten my daughter as far as college, I wouldn't say monumental, but a challenge, one that was well worth the fight. Today I'm going to blog about innocence, this is for my daughter. When we raise our children we hope that we can give them all the information they need to move on. Move to a new independent life, there are things that we cannot tell or explain. Before my daughter went to college I truly tried to explain, sex, birth control, date rape drugs, but the experience is what they strive for, this parents cannot give them. My daughter is very petite and beautiful, she has a very asian look to her. My daughter has Non Verbal Learning disability, she is very innocent and naive. She did have some transitional issues the first two weeks of school, but I expected these. At 17 I'm not confident she can navigate totally on her own yet, but she must start. The telephone call on the third week was one I never thought I would get. She was sexually assaulted/raped on campus. Truly a telephone call I don't wish on anyone. She called me with her RA, and the support from the college. Helpless on the telephone, these people assured me that my daughter was safe, got in touch with the correct people immediately and the police. She seemed relatively calm, and in control. Of course she did go to the boys room on her own, the rest got out of hand. She went to the hospital, had all her testing and was going to rest. I spoke to the counselor at the school and she said my daughter knew she did wrong by going to the boys room but No is No and the boy did not respect this. School security saw both of them together all day so the story was correct. Trying to compose myself I tried to rationalize the situation. She was safe, in good care, I needed to see her, but at this time she needed time. I called the police station and not surprisingly they would not give me information I would have to ask my daughter. I called her therapist and what I did not know is that the statistics say 1 out of 4 girls are assaulted in college. This is a statistic only relating to the girls who tell. This school deals with my daughters disability so the boy probably had the same disability. Two lives to take a drastic turn. I had to rationalize my feelings to do the best I could for my daughter. I asked to come see her, she wanted time. After a day I told her that her father and I were coming to see her because I needed to hug her and tell her life is not bad and this has to be turned around. She consented to see us. When I told my husband he flew off the handle, his baby! We went to see her, in three weeks this child grew up, she wasn't my baby anymore, she was an adult, carried herself with confidence, and sorrow. Tears, hugs and love were definitely needed. Our conversations were based on forgiveness, not ruining anyone's lives with anger, and moving on. The recommendation was to help others that have gone through this same experience. Giving back is always a healing treatment. My daughter has a lot to give, this could be a good avenue, hopefully she will act on this. Nothing will ever give her back what she lost BUT with our love and help she can move on. Sometimes God works in very difficult ways, I'm hoping that this can help her. We are a close family and we will get through this personal tragedy together. Disabilities are difficult but ALWAYS workable!

Leaving for College

It's been awhile since I have written, August was a very emotional month for me. My daughter made her way to college. A month's worth of preparation, not the packing or shopping but the important issues that parents with learning disabled children really care about: medication, doctor calls, support systems, roommates, money allocations, to name a few. The magnitude of appointments, schedules is mind boggling. Then packing!!! This truly is a trial, trying to explain to my daughter that she doesn't need to bring her entire wardrobe, yeah I know! So some recommendations from a first time Mom that have really been good; A) have a debit card that is attached to your checking account; My daughter's checking account is attached to mine. I can see all the money that comes and goes! She is not aware of this. I see all the purchases and I made another account that has all her money in it, I transfer when she needs it. Believe me the first week was a disaster. She thought the well was endless until I told her that she only had $200 left for the next couple of months! Reality check! B) I gave my daughter a diary, but in this diary was important business cards: ie: therapist, medical insurance, my email address, telephone numbers for emergency calls. I put laundry instructions, one section is designated for money, yes money, starting balance and she needs to substract each withdrawal to keep up with what she has. I told her, it's very embarrassing when you use that card and there is no money there!!!! One place for everything! It works. Then off to the destination, I promised myself I would not cry. My daughter was lucky enough to have other friends attending this school so she knew people. This helps, but she did not know her roommate. We moved her in with the help from some other friends, set up the tv, internet, made the bed, put the clothes away and then, "Mom you can leave now!". Wow where did that time go. The emotional goodbyes, the please be good, use your good judgement, and we were gone! I remember the day I picked her up from the adoption agency, small tiny, 18 years ago, my baby! But I must let go, she has to learn on her own and face all the hurtles we all went through. We went to have lunch with my son and then home. I went home and scoured that room! She was on a new adventure in her life, my was about to start by cleaning, and painting her room. The dogs walk by and miss her! Quite an adjustment. So you might think they have gone, out of site out of mind, heavens no! Let's see after one week of one line texts and no phone calls, we called! "How are you?" Good do I have enough money in my account? How much did you spend? Did you start subtracting in your book? If not, you better!!!! And she sounds good. I was also informed the other day by my daughter that she changed rooms and roommate. Okay so no one from the school called me so I guess it's okay and she said the RA's said okay, hey she has to live there not me! I do remember when I went to college and I was not happy with my roommate but I endured. After I found that out all I texted her was Be happy, I love you! What else is there to say. I asked to come up and see her and she responded I have homework and a paper due, maybe another time. Okay, well I'm coming up for parents day so live with it!!!!! It's only been 3 weeks but I am beginning to think this is a good fit for her school wise. I know this is just the beginning of what I hope to be a good experience for her. She never had this at High School, my husband and my wish was that she could really have these people know my daughter and she could make lifelong friends. Who knows we still have 8 more months to go! We have our fingers crossed!!!!! Until next time.......

It's coming to the time when I have to acknowledge that I must extend the strings of attachment to my daughter. With all the challenges, changes, and some maturity that have happened to her, she will be leaving us to go to college. It is so tough for parents of a learning disabled child. This summer has taught me how I must hand over responsibility to her, she has to make the decisions of how to proceed. My daughter got a summer job as a camp counselor at a camp she and my son have gone to for many years. Although her psychiatrist recommended that she take the summer off, she wanted this job. She went in headfirst, this is a good thing but to a learning disabled child who is impetuous it can be very challenging. We had some difficult times, learning how to focus on the children, having patience, and obeying the rules. There were times as a parent I wanted to intervene BUT, I stayed out of it. I let my daughter navigate with the Directors and believe me not all the results were positive. It came a time when she had to let them know she had a disability. Which brings me to a very big question no one can answer "When do you tell a potential employer if you have a disability?" Do you tell in the beginning and they discriminate? Do you not tell and when issues arise, you then bring it to the forefront? No one can give you an answer to this. It's a hit or miss situation. Not what anyone wants to hear but there are no answers. In the issue of my daughter, she hit some challenging times in this job, she worked for 5 weeks and had two off. They said they would call her back when they have more children, hopefully this is true and not an avoidance, but regardless there is a learning lesson. Every job is a learning lesson, hopefully my daughter will someday realize that this was a valuable one. She did have the opportunity so I look at this as very positive. There are no right and wrong answers for our children, we have to go with what we feel would be the best until they can make these decisions, which is very difficult to let go of. So as a parent, I have to extend my strings, hope that the tools I have given her she will remember. Hope that she calls when she truly cannot navigate and focus on what is important. Now I have my daughter going to a college that deals with children and her specific disability so I'm hoping the environment will help her understand she is not alone. Hopefully she will see that they all can work together to deal with what God has given them. I truly believe this will be a positive. I know I'll get the phone calls, I am anticipating getting them. This will lead to our next journey, which I hope will be a great one for her. Along with greatness comes a lot of heartache and disappointments, but I'm looking at her to triumph. Until next time...

I remember when I was so desperately trying to have children and we finally were chosen by birth parents to get my daughter, the words the social worker said to me " Children are a gift from God but for only a short time, they grow and then we have to let them go." As I sat at my daughter's high school graduation last week, the tears streaming down my face in happiness. I saw this little 5lb girl grow up, handle all the adversities God put in her way, and now she was in this beautiful white graduation gown holding a red rose and walking down to end the years in this school system. I was so proud, that for a moment it wiped away all the heartache of her disability. For this time she was just like every other child that was graduating high school. She had a smile, and was so relieved to end, what has been, the most difficult years of her life. On this special day my daughter had quite a lot happen. She went to her senior breakfast, had a quick rehearsal for graduation, received a call that she got a job as a camp counselor in a local camp and had to submit all her paperwork and on the way home got a flat tire. Before she got dressed, I was painting her toes and she broke down. "Mom I'm scared, do you think I can handle being a camp counselor, do you think I am going to do okay at college? Do you think everyone will accept me?" Wow, so much for one small girl to handle in one day. I looked at her very calmly and said "Calm down, take two deep breaths!" First I told her, you are going to do your best at working as a counselor and if it doesn't work out, you quit. Second, college is your new beginning, fresh, you will be with kids that have the same disability as yourself, and third be yourself, you are a great young lady, be the girl you really are! The tears disappeared I gave her one of her pills to calm her down and told her to take a nap before graduation. The child that emerged was this confident girl that ended the 12 years of school. It goes fast, too fast. There are times when issues with the teachers, learning, aides and seeing the school's telephone number on my caller id would just turn my stomach. What happens now. Now a new chapter emerges, going away to school, making decisions on her own. My husband and I are trying to be real, yes, we expect some trauma, and hearing from the new school. My daughter's disability encompasses difficulty in transition, so we are preparing ourselves, we could be pleasantly surprised but I doubt it. I'm being realistic. Two days later we had my daughters graduation party. As a child with NVLD and ADD my daughter does not have a wide scope of friends. Most of them have the same or similar disabilities. I was so pleased when 5 of her friends came to her party. She was so proud and introduced each one to everyone. She had a great time, but the one thing that was so impactful to me was this. One young lady came to her party, she was so happy that my daughter invited her to this party. She said "You know no one ever invites me to their parties because I have ADHD, and I am having such a good time!, Your daughter has been a really good friend to me!". This was so important to me because this is how my daughter was, no one invited her anywhere because she didn't fit in, but she overcame this stigma and made friends with children like herself. She found the people who were worth being friends with and turned it around. If she can keep this philosophy throughout college and life, I truly believe she can have a good life. Understanding, the disability, knowing it's going to be with you for the rest of your life and working with it are the keys for these children. I've always stressed to my children, everyone else is different, you are special and never forget it! God made you this way to learn, you have a special purpose in life, the hard part is to find what it is. As parents we are the ones who have to guide them to this purpose. It's tough, we live it every day, sometimes we cry and other days you say, they did it, they actually did it. Until next time!

I've been slightly remiss in adding to my blog, the ending of a child's or maybe I should preface this with the "young adult" high school years is quite overwhelming for parents. I can hardly imagine what it is for these children. As I close on the 12 years of schooling my child has encountered, I remember all the trying and difficult times that we have gone through and how she has dealt with anger, disappointment, self-learning, finding her real self with assistance, and really achieving after long hard work. In life of a child, school is totally monitored by the teachers, they comment on what they see, advise an how they feel a child should learn, and you as a parent either agree or disagree and look for the correctness (if this is a word) of what the child needs. Being the parent of a special needs child we always wonder, "Did I do the best I could?", Is she going to carry all the things she has learned on to the next step?" "Are they mature enough to understand that medication is always going to be part of their lives?" "Can they cope outside of all the support they have gotten in school?". Believe me these questions all have been crossing my mind in the last 30 days. My daughter seems to be on a healthy path, she has demonstrated that she is maturing, there is plenty of room for growth, how will she be on her own? I have found that it is a scary path, but it is time that all the training, parental conversations, and guidance I have given must prove itself, and I must let go. The letting go and trusting judgement in every child is difficult regardless if you have a special needs child or not, but the parent of a special needs child has it hard. We HOPE, and I emphasize the word HOPE that my child remembers that the medication she is on is for her benefit, not the drug manufacturers! I hope she realizes that alone mistakes have HUGE consequences being away from home, and that teachers are not going to hover over her and tell her what to do. I have to hope and pray that all the lessons that I have taught her, her support groups have told her and her therapist has reiterated to her, have passed on to the part of the brain to REMEMBER!!! One last item I must share. My daughter has chosen a very good college that deals with her disability, we are very pleased. She had her orientation, an overnight stay. In these two days she would meet students that will become a very important part of her life next year. When she came home she told me that she met a friend she went to camp with, and a friend from High School was there. I asked her if she picked a roommate and she said " You know Mom the girls were all drama queens and talked about drugs, I found my friend from camp and two of his friends and we hung out and were known on campus as the Four Musketeers!" I know I am going to like school and to hang out with them." Part of me was concerned but part of me was very proud! My daughter was able to distinguish between what was good for her and not! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is a path she continues on and keeps flourishing on it.

Coming to the end of the school year, I have to write a post that really comes from my heart. For all the year's that I have advocated, guided, controlled, and most importantly, helped my daughter in school and life, we come to the end of her high school years. I have tried to write about all the issues that I feel people should know about, how I dealt with them, and maybe, someone out there can glean some information for their child. This past weekend some pretty monumental occurrences happened in my daughter's life. The first huge hurtle was that she drove herself to and from school last week. Why do you say this is monumental? Well my daughter has NVLD and an anxiety issue in which she doesn't display much self confidence. Driving alone and to a place that she knows is Huge! I am so proud of her, this is a life skill she will need for the rest of her life. This skill is what is going to help her get to a job, and help us as a family. Big Hurtle! The second monumental hurtle was in school. In my daughter's high school in order to graduate they had to complete a capstone project. This project was given to them in Junior year. They had to pick a profession that they felt they would like to go into and pick a mentor. In picking this mentor, they had to log in time hours and at the end present to a panel of peers and teachers to pass and graduate. My daughter took this project head on, went and advocated for herself, found a mentor and proceeded do her project throughout the year. Yes, there were hiccups, don't get me wrong but they have finished the process and now they have to present. On Friday my daughter's Special Education teacher wrote me the most wonderful email I could have gotten. She asked my daughter to give her presentation to her guided learning class, as sort of a pre-presentation. She said that she was not nervous, was poised, confident, head held up and knew everything she presented. She presented for 10 minutes straight. She wrote that she was so proud of my daughter and that if I were there I would be just as proud. Cry, you betcha! For a child that had no confidence, very little self esteem, I knew that everything that she worked for throughout the years all paid off and will continue to be with her going forward in college. Don't get me wrong there will be setbacks, but I realize now that setbacks are all learning to get her where she needs to be. Of course the icing on the cake was that this weekend was the prom. Yes, she had a date, and it was lovely. She met her friends at another girls house and they had a great time. Another monumental hurtle, ADD and NVLD had difficulty with keeping friends. This was most rewarding seeing her have friends that she had a good time with. This took quite a bit of work and group therapy on her part, but it certainly paid off. I guess my advice today is patience, perserverence , love and hope, these are key to helping your child.

As my child goes from summer camp, school and now graduation, we come upon the most difficult time in a child's disability, the first job. Although my daughter has babysat in the neighborhood and made lots of money,the economy is such that those jobs are few and far between now, as more people are staying home. Plus I might add more children are looking for these types of jobs. At the lovely age of 17 my daughter has started looking for the "summer job". I tried to have her start early before the college students start to emerge! Actually she did very well, people were accepting her applications in March. She wanted to work in the restaurant environment, not exactly what I wanted. My ideal job for she and her disability was the local day camp which she had gone to for many years and my son attends. How convenient, she knows the lay of the land, very important for children with NVLD. Although she felt she would be bored, she did put an application in. I also complied with the restaurant environment. I know my daughter and I were toying with whether we tell people upfront about her disability and quite honestly I'm still up in the air about it. I wasn't quite sure how her first experience was going to be. Well she got a call to work at the restaurant as a bus girl. Okay, it's fast paced, and she can expend all her energy. Well on her first day, she was to trail the current bus girl. I get a telephone call to pick her up 3 hours after she got there. The manager did not feel she was a fit for busing. My worst fear has happened, my heart bled for this child. Her first job where she really wanted to excel. When she got home she and I talked. It seems that she asked too many questions, for the table numbers, unsure of how to cut bread, the manager felt she had too much energy and was asking too many questions. When my daughter picked up that the manager was getting irritated, she confessed and told her about her NVLD and told her " I ask a lot of questions and it takes me longer to learn" please be patient with me. So now we confessed to the disability. Was this wrong, I feel that she did the best thing, she tried to explain why she was asking questions. Yes, she was very disappointed, and hurt. Does she only get 3 hours to train and learn? We spoke for a long time and I asked her if she wanted to go back, she was unsure. The manager said she would call her the next day and maybe she could do to go orders. I told her that she should tell the manager that she would like another chance and see what happened. The manager was supposed to call her on a Friday, today is Monday and she finally called her to speak with her. I don't know what the outcome is but I know that my daughter is making the correct decision for herself. I could have called and inquired to the reasoning behind her leaving early, but this is my daughter's destiny, she has to pave her own way and really fight for what she wants. I never thought it would be so difficult for her. She has had a difficult time in school learning and now the world is posing the same obstacles. My greatest hope is that she can cope with the world and how much a stigma disabilities are.